to my first baby, the one I never got to meet // Natalie

Natalie is my husbands aunt. She is one of the kindest, most selfless people I have ever met and so I'm very lucky to be a part of her family now. I'm grateful that she reached out to me about her infertility and her first pregnancy that ended in the loss of her baby. These stories are so important to share. We need to talk about these lives lost to ectopic pregnancies and miscarriage because they are lives and they matter. So thank you Natalie.

---

To my first baby, the one I never got meet:
I loved you before you were conceived.  I had names picked out, planned birthday parties, imagined kissing your face…  We tried to have a baby for a long time.  Two years is a long time to wait for someone you love.  We saw a doctor for help.  I even got to see your daddy’s sperm!  He had good swimmers. We had scheduled sex, tests, more sex, more tests, and finally Clomid to help everything along.  
We found out I was pregnant with you on our 3-year anniversary cruise in May 1992.  We bought a pregnancy test in the Bahamas!  We were so excited!  It was a cruise / Walt Disney World combo.  While in Disney, we bought your first outfit.  It was black, red and white with Mickey and Minnie on it.  (I wish I saved that outfit…I don’t remember what I did with it.)  
I started spotting a brown discharge.  We slowed down our vacation pace and I even passed on a few rides.  We were worried.  I called the doctor back home (It was 1992 and PC’s were not around yet, nor cell phones) and she said everything should be okay and it wasn’t uncommon.  
Shortly after returning home and back at work, I started experiencing sharp pain.  I talked with my doctor and again she said it was normal.  I was very confused because IT HURT BAD!  I never heard of anyone talking about having pain while being pregnant.
One night, I was constantly getting up with cramps.  I was thinking I was having to poop but nothing was happening.  In the morning, something came out of me.  It looked like a piece of raw meat about the size of a plum.  I placed it in a container, called my doctor and met her in the ER.  I was scared and I thought my baby was in the jar.  The nurse dropped it on the floor.  Then she said something to me that I will never forget.  She said, “I’m sorry.”  The nurse picked up the container and placed it back on the tray with such tender care.  She treated me as a mom that lost her baby.  She treated my baby with care and she respected that my heart was broken.  Those two words meant so much to me. “I’m sorry.”
Tests came back and the piece of meat was my vaginal lining, not a baby.  Where was my baby?  An ultrasound found you in my right fallopian tube.  I had to have you surgically removed from my body.  I lost my baby.  Why?  I wanted you so much.  We would have been good parents.  Why?  My heart hurt, physically hurt.  I loved you so much.  I still love you, it just doesn’t hurt as much.
It was a long time ago and I don’t remember a lot but I don’t remember hearing “I’m sorry.”  I do remember hearing, “It was probably for the best.” “You can always try again.”  And most people just ignored it like it never happened. No cards, flowers…  No one thought you were real.  No one acknowledged you.  I was angry and hurt for a long time.
You were my first child.  God doesn’t make mistakes. (I didn’t admit that at the time.  I was pissed at God!)  He needed a soul and chose me to help Him.  I miss you and I can’t wait to meet you one day.
Love,
Mommy

​

Natalie
Married 28 years to my high school sweetheart, Brian.
Mom to 9 children, 7 adopted, 2 birth.
3 ectopic pregnancies, 2 miscarriages
I love God, dancing, pizza and my family